Dead inside.

Awakened for the umpteenth time today, listening to 2 minutes song cover with my favorite furry creature deep in its slumber by my side. It's soothing to know that there's still a living organism hasn't find my existence repulsive. Nor make about a big fuss about whatever happened in my life three, four years back.

The only thing it knows? Maybe "I'm sleeping now. And fuck you, owner. Slow that song down. I want to sleep."

Lucky you are, my dear Michu.

But then again, it is an animal. Born without any intelligence. Without anything else to worry about, except to find food, drink, shelter and if it is lucky enough, love to survive the day.

I know a human with blessed with a working, thinking mind. But sometimes, I wish, I don't have it. I wish I was just an animal. Where the only point of living is to live through the day.

It's not pretty, life as them. Most of the times, stray cats and dogs were kicked, hit. Nobody really care about them. Almost everyone is disgusted by them. Almost no one showed any kindness to them. Small kids with fairly stupid parents kicked them mercilessly while their parents laughed and tried to stop without any real effort behind the gesture.

Or a pampered, loved cats with owners who genuinely care about their well-being. Who eats delicious meal with sufficient amount of water to drink from. Comfortable sofas to sleep on. Or sometimes the bed, if their owners are good enough.

My motive talking about them? I don't really know. I do wish to be like them, somehow.

I know. I'm stupid like that.

My life went haywire yesterday and today? I have no will whatsoever to do almost anything. Only ate this chocolate-dipped pretzels Ibu bought last weekend. At times, I had to wear my perfectly-happy-and-nothing's-wrong mask to face another human being. I have to smile while driving my little brother. Smile when he cracked some funny jokes. Smile when my maid-or-practically-my-older-sister came into my room. Smile whenever I need to. Laughed to appropriate situations. But they never knew what happen inside me.

Main focus now? To get through the night without any major emotional breakdown.

I often think how I am cursed with my crazy and easy going personality; which makes loads of people around me never really know what my true feelings are, when all I do is laugh and giggle and smile.

Funny how people think how I'd just forgive, forget and move on. When the truth is, I'll forgive. But not forget. Never forget. Don't ask why. That's just me. That's how I roll, since the beginning of my time.

Funny how simple words broke everything that I had, held together using the best glue I have found to build the flimsy me.

Funny how fragile I actually am, the real one hiding behind this I'm-always-fine mask.

Sigh.