Hiatus.

I need to stop listening to anything that could act as a time machine;
those ones that could made the usual symptoms appear.
I need to lay off those Thought Catalog corny posts.
I need to quit watching movies for the time being.
I need to until I'm sure I could finally breathe.
I need to keep calm and keep calm;
until I could think straight.
I need to stop.
I need to.

And does Glee need to cover another song;
one of my favorite soundtracks?
From one of my favorite movies?
Which is significant to whatever I'm experiencing right now?

Sigh. Just what I need.

When I thought everything is being ruined,
this general sentence from a friend gave me chills.
And hope, at the same time.
Hoping that things'll get better, God-willing.

But now?
Yes universe, go against me.

2 cats and 1 girl.

Because I just love how ominous it sounded.

But seriously? This was basically how my morning went. With my two beloved, remaining ladies of the house, Michu and Stowe.

Don't worry, I didn't eat them. Or their excretion. Ew.

Just a lazy morning together, enjoying the silence while watching the latest Glee episode. And before you say anything about me being a daft dimbo, I was listening to Glee with my earphones. Thus, silence for my kitties.


P/s: Aww did I just hurt you? Yes? Sorry, but no. I'm not sorry. Well, you're not sorry that I got hurt, did you? Haha.

Honestly, you just took this fuckery to another new level. Deal with it. And besides, note that 'stupid' and 'dumb' are two different words.

Yes. I actually AM being serious.

Omens.

It's only Wednesday.

And my week kicked off with some notable sorrow notes.

Made me think; for a sec, whenever I think I've found pure happiness, those dark, thunderous clouds will come rolling, fast and without any warning.

I'm just starting to recover from the last week's emotional turmoil. And this week, even it had only been two days, proved that I'm in for some serious shit and wreck these coming days.

Please. I need you to help me get through this.

But no. I can see I'm not getting any. But please, save those pointless argument when my headache lessen. Or when I'm not feeling like I'm going to throw up. Or when I don't feel any pain when I lie on my back. Or when I don't see blurred edges. Or when I'm generally okay.

Or it's just one of those "Bad luck, Yaya. You're a fuckin helpless human. Stop whining and stop being a selfish bitch for once and think about the others too" moment?

The latter seems more logical. Har har.

Bad luck.

Lies.

No. Contrary to what I think I've said, I'm not okay.

I hoped I am not not okay. Fine, inside and out. But no. Still not.

Still broken.

Still shaken.

Still empty inside.

No matter how fun it was. No, that doesn't matter.

And adding a whole, new, big expectation, responsibility on my weak shoulders?

Awesome, just exactly what I need.

"Today. A reminder." by Asyraf Kamal.

Your words never fail to render me speechless, my dear friend.

Dead inside.

Awakened for the umpteenth time today, listening to 2 minutes song cover with my favorite furry creature deep in its slumber by my side. It's soothing to know that there's still a living organism hasn't find my existence repulsive. Nor make about a big fuss about whatever happened in my life three, four years back.

The only thing it knows? Maybe "I'm sleeping now. And fuck you, owner. Slow that song down. I want to sleep."

Lucky you are, my dear Michu.

But then again, it is an animal. Born without any intelligence. Without anything else to worry about, except to find food, drink, shelter and if it is lucky enough, love to survive the day.

I know a human with blessed with a working, thinking mind. But sometimes, I wish, I don't have it. I wish I was just an animal. Where the only point of living is to live through the day.

It's not pretty, life as them. Most of the times, stray cats and dogs were kicked, hit. Nobody really care about them. Almost everyone is disgusted by them. Almost no one showed any kindness to them. Small kids with fairly stupid parents kicked them mercilessly while their parents laughed and tried to stop without any real effort behind the gesture.

Or a pampered, loved cats with owners who genuinely care about their well-being. Who eats delicious meal with sufficient amount of water to drink from. Comfortable sofas to sleep on. Or sometimes the bed, if their owners are good enough.

My motive talking about them? I don't really know. I do wish to be like them, somehow.

I know. I'm stupid like that.

My life went haywire yesterday and today? I have no will whatsoever to do almost anything. Only ate this chocolate-dipped pretzels Ibu bought last weekend. At times, I had to wear my perfectly-happy-and-nothing's-wrong mask to face another human being. I have to smile while driving my little brother. Smile when he cracked some funny jokes. Smile when my maid-or-practically-my-older-sister came into my room. Smile whenever I need to. Laughed to appropriate situations. But they never knew what happen inside me.

Main focus now? To get through the night without any major emotional breakdown.

I often think how I am cursed with my crazy and easy going personality; which makes loads of people around me never really know what my true feelings are, when all I do is laugh and giggle and smile.

Funny how people think how I'd just forgive, forget and move on. When the truth is, I'll forgive. But not forget. Never forget. Don't ask why. That's just me. That's how I roll, since the beginning of my time.

Funny how simple words broke everything that I had, held together using the best glue I have found to build the flimsy me.

Funny how fragile I actually am, the real one hiding behind this I'm-always-fine mask.

Sigh.

Waiting.

My two favorite men are coming home today!

One, back home from Johor.

The other one, back to his home from an oversea trip.

Please, let they have a safe and enjoying journey. Can't wait!  *smiles*

Lingers on.

I was in my room, chilling as always, when I heard a familiar composition from the TV downstairs. I knew right away what movie that song was from and I kinda know which scene it was, because that particular song was used quite some times in that film.

So I went downstairs. Well, not really downstairs. I sat on the stair. And watched the movie.

I freakin' watched it, even though it was nearing the end. Like, another twenty, thirty minutes or so until the credits rolled.

It was called The Untouchables. An awesome movie, produced during the late eighties about the infamous Al Capone. Don't look look at me that way, I know it is an old movie. And what, Al Capone era was during the 1940s and 1950, if I'm not mistaken. Blame my parents fer introducing us to this movie.

And Top Gun, starring a very young and ridiculously good looking Tom Cruise.

And the original Footloose? One young Kevin Bacon dancing. Hell-o?

And Ghost.

And okay I'm gonna stop there. And being me, there's a lot more 'old' movies I have not watch yet. The Bartender, Notting Hill, Flashdance, When Harry Met Sally and yes. That last one? You don't simply watch Glee and not remembering the reference made by one sassy Kurt Hummel yo. That's how I became so interested and ended up watching The Notebook, no joke.

Anyhoo, back to my point. I'm that one person who usually watched the movies ONLY. I don't really care about the soundtrack, or the songs used. Or the instrumental pieces composed for the movies. But just now, I realized, how the The Untouchables' scores were haunting, luxuriously evil, sorrowful, nostalgic and heart-wrenching all at the same time. The one that I overheard,it just works, y'know, for the scene where Malone was ambushed by Nitty. With a freakin Tommy gun, for God's sake! And after all those horrible deaths, a triumphant win and painful letting-go process, the movie ended with a light and there's-always-hope note.

Fuck. Since when I am becoming so, what, emotional?

Dammit. And how I appreciate the movies Ibu and Ayah managed to persuade us to watch. They have the awesomest storyline, and awesomest songs. Footloose? Yeah, Holding Out For A Hero, and the song Footloose itself is incredible. When I was a kid, I printed out Footloose's lyrics and sang along. Or worse, tried to sing without any music. And try and watch Top Gun without humming the tunes of Danger Zone or Take My Breath Away. And please, for the love for my kitty, I'm not gonna rant about how fabulous the Harry Potter scores are.

Please.

And uloz.to is the BEST downloading site I've ever found. Search for anything and it'll come out. This was where I got my 1.25GB of Harry Potter full original soundtrack for all seven movies.

Well, that's it. I am declaring that today is an OST theme day!

See you soon, I'm gonna drown myself in all of the soundtrack goodness I have here.

Procrastinate.

Lying on my queen-sized bed which I shared with my little sister for the last, what, ten? Twelve years?

Wifi's a bit slow. So I'm using my hotspot-ed mobile internet for my laptop, which is right beside my head.

Staring at the MOTUL sticker we put on the center of the ceiling fan's face. When the fan is rotating, I love watching the letter O and T merged and became number 9. And lower-cased G.

Where did I get the MOTUL sticker again?

Out of the nine caps I have on my wall, 5 of them are caps from the extinct Formula One teams.

Okay, West McLaren Mercedes sounds familiar, but now it's without the 'West' laa. And Jordan GP, anyone? I'm pretty sure that was Sarah's favorite team. And that McLaren was mine.

After Kimi left McLaren, I started to go for drivers. Not the teams anymore. Because Mika Hakkinen was kinda hot too and he WAS in McLaren, before Kimi succeeded him. And I pretty much got stuck with Kimi since then.

And I can see small cracks on the ceiling, near the wall.

It's raining out outside.

And it's quiet in here. Wanted to turn on the radio, but to reach for the power button? I is lazy.

I think my brother just went into his room to take his bath. He is lazy too.

Saw Curt Mega's tweet about his Ben Diaries project. I always wanted to watch the series, but still has not found the will to actually go and watch it.

I think I should sort the mess on my table. So many historical artifacts. But not now maybe?

I think my one of my wall lamp will break if I don't remove our (Sarah and I) medals we got throughout our school years. Mostly from our sports days and some of the district level sports.

But if the lamp is broken, we can ask Ayah for a new, cool-looking lamp right?

Right?

Which reminds me of a question, will I ever get one during my varsity years? Medals, I mean.

But it is not UM, or UiTMs. Where they have softball teams. Curse you, UTP.

Oh, maybe I should buy a new slim backpack for my classes next semester. The thin, Body Glove-ish one? I loved Nike's tribal-like design, but there's no way Ibu's gonna buy me another one since she already belanja-ed me an Adidas tote.

Oh, I'll buy it on the first of May then. I'll have to ask him if there's an Al-Ikhsan outlet there. And maybe we can search for a messenger bag he always wanted during that outing too.

Shit. This coming semester. Shit shit shit.

Aaaaand my Twitter's timeline is moving at a sloth-on-a-lazy-day-with-a-sore-leg pace.

Just like my mind.

And I have no idea what my comb is doing in the middle of my bed.

Maybe I'll just watch marathons! Of Glee. Or Supernatural. Or Skins. Or Harry Potter. Or Back to The Future. Or whatever movies I have here in my scarlet Toshiba.

I miss watching the difference between pre-Blaine Kurt, and post-Blaine Kurt. I miss watching the gorgeous eyes of a caring brother named Dean. And I just watched Prisoner of Azkaban a month ago on TV. And it's been a while since I last watched Alex Pettyfer in anything.

But I know, within thirty minutes, I'm gonna stop watching whatever it is I decided to watch and start another movie.

Which reminds me, I haven't finish watching A Very Potter Senior Year yet. Fuck.

Aha. Maybe I'll listen to some Darren Criss. And I'll fall asleep right away.

But it's nearing Asar, and Ibu had been complaining about my sleeping-after-Asar habit. So, no. Sigh.

Maybe I should read, you know? Novels, especially. I love fictions. I missed my chance to scavenge awesome bookstores during my high school.

And no, Kulim only had this one bookstore which is manned by Chinese woman, selling stationary and those great Malay novels. Those by Aisya Sofea, Damya Hanna and quality stuff. Not like the silly, plotless so-called love novels nowadays. And Landmark only opened when I was in my senior year. And the idk-what-is-the-bookstore's-name is no MPH. It looked modern enough but still Paleolithic-ish.

So far, during this holidays, I finished Cecilia Ahern's Book of Tomorrow. But I forgot where I put my Thanks For The Memories. I need to find it then.

But I is lazy.

So what to do? Lay on my bed. And waste almost two hours in front of my computer, writing this pointless post.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna have the same internal debate. Same brain speed. Same level of laziness.

Damn. Gila pemalas aku ni.

OH I'VE DONE SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WOOT I CREATED A NEW RINGTONE FROM TAYLOR SWIFT'S 22.

Still. Damn. Malas. Kbye.

Left at home.

I think I laughed a lot while talking to him this evening.

Funny. He called before he boarded his flight last night and we talked for a good forty minutes. So here's the thing. Actually, we are currently committing ourselves in a long distance relationship. Well, Cheras and Subang Jaya aren't THAT far, honestly. But we rarely see each other during the holidays. In fact, it was only twice in the last three months.

Because we are weird like that.

But that's not the main point here. So, we rarely see each other and let this distance constantly be between us. Therefore, it should not bother me for him to be in another country, for him to be extra four thousand kilometers from me, isn't it?

What's funny is, when I know I can't see him for this coming days even IF he's in his hometown, I still felt this  lost feeling when he disconnected from the call, just before he boarded his flight. It was as I can actually feel he's going slowly away from me.

This sucks. I wish I can just see him everyday, y'know? But that would lead to, according to him "eventual boredom and saturation". But then again, how would anybody get bored with a fascinating being, like him? He's so thick with layers and layers of stories and feelings and mesmerizing ideas, waiting to be peeled one by one.

On a separate note, I drove my parent's bigass Estima to send my brother to his driving class. And yes, I can't stop being a paranoid Nadiah,  because this would be the first time I drove a super massive car. I basically live on (okay, not literally tho but still) my friend's Kancil, and my driving academy's Kancil and Viva. Which were a bunch of compact and small cars, for Merlin's sake!

And my brother got super manja (which is rare because he puts on his poker face like, 24/7 so this indicates that he wants a favor from me) and ask me to fetch him. He also wanted me to drove to our grandmother's house which is about ten minutes away. I, honestly, am still not confident of driving that van but I agreed because I'm gonna feel so guilty if I turned down his favor. So we'll see then if my sad slash afraid face could cancel this plan. Sigh.

I wish I am more confident driving a large vehicle.

And maybe I can convince my parents to let me bring it to Tronoh and go for a day out with my eight girls for a girls day out in a VAN. Can you imagine how havoc it is going to be if that happened? And maybe drive him and let him see how I drive that instead of just listening via Viber. And..

Okay my imagination and dreams are becoming too impossible. They'll never let me bring that ten-year-old-but-still-functioning-exceptionally-well Estima to my campus. Hihi :)

Good night. Assalamualaikum.