I'm not much, you know? I'm not intelligent, I'm not talented, I'm not a serious sportsperson, I'm not beautiful. I am, as I said earlier, not much.
To be honest, I'm that kind of person who'll get lost and drown in the sea of crowd.
It's pretty hard living like this, you know. This situation had been going on for a while. The moment I think I got high marks in Addmaths, there'll be somebody with more marks. The moment I thought I'm the most versatile player on my team, there'll be somebody else with better achievements. The moment I think I gave my hardest to become the best from scratch, there'll be somebody else, ruining it for me.
Don't get me wrong, I welcome competition. But I don't know. It's even harder when I have no special talents. Maybe like what, running, softball? I wanted to pursue both, believe me. My idol, who was my coach back when I was form five, was the reason, the driving force, the living proof, that softball exists in universities. But this is not UM, tho.
But really. I don't have any talents. I'm a plain jane, literally. Maybe that's why I hate competitions. I worked my ass to get to the point where people knows me for that, from just dirt. And then, some people just waltz into my life and took that whatever title from me.
And I have to be what, happy for them people? Happy that whatever I worked for to get to the top had been snatched away by someone else? Happy that I no longer that special somebody in any of those field? Those really are some rhetorical questions, but that's what I did anyway. Just be happy and keeping my delightful face up.
Now do you still dare to tell me to "just be happy, go with the flow" bullshit with some occasional side-eyeings, with a hint of loathing whenever I feel down, or when I can't keep my "happy" mask on? I'd rather you shut the fuck up and stop those side-glances that you thought I didn't see because really, you have no idea what is going on in my head.
I'm not much. I'm perfectly awesome at being average. Even when I tried so hard, there'll always be someone better. And imagine that, times ten, or ten thousand and having to be perfectly happy with that fact.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Big, fat liars.
There's some things (and/or people) that I absolutely loathe.
#1: There's this phrase that I've learnt during my five-year-stay in Kedah that I actually love so much: "sembang kencang". I mean, the moment somebody sarcastically throw this phrase to your face, the impact will be like as if somebody slapped you hard while you were happily cheating in a game. I mean, it's like a straight-forward brutal honesty there.
Together with my family, we went to this part of Germany that doesn't have any speed limit. Even the GPS thing, Tom-tom didn't show any speed limit on its screen. Like seriously, people. You can drive 250km/h or even 350km/h, if that's even possible, and not get any summons. That's how awesome that route is.
Yet, I don't see any selfish (European mostly, I guess) drivers hogging the overtaking lane (<-- I have some direct translation over here). But it's true, tho. Nobody, I repeat, NOBODY was driving on the fast lane except for those who were, well, overtaking other cars. But I didn't see any drivers who drove leisurely, or worse, slow-as-a-muthaff, with no obvious intention to overtake other cars which were on the slower lane.
That's what exactly I found when I was on my way back to my home from Sepang this evening; people hogging the fast lane while driving as slow as fish. Tbh, it's the complete opposite of what I've seen in Deutschland. I mean c'mon people. I got totally nervous when I have to overtake people and at the same time, there's a faster car approaching from behind. I have this need to like "shit, i need to overtake this guy and get back in the slower lane because this car behind me is faster than me". Ya feel me?
Don't you feel anything when there's this big, bad, obviously a more powerful car is inches away from your ass because you're driving like a freaking tortoise? And here we are, talking about making big changes for our country, being a better generation, creating an intelligent and considerate society but still there's selfish ass who thinks that it's okay to hog the fast lane and create a massive line behind him/her and probably, if we were to ask him/her, "why do you drive in the fast lane if you know that you're slow?", we'll be getting "you stfu this speed is the fastest my car can go so you back off and don't tell me where to drive."
Pfft. Sembang kencang.
#2: I came across this few people who apparently shares articles with doubtful sources irresponsibly lately. So here's the thing. I rarely, like seriously RARELY share articles. It doesn't matter; factious, about religion, conspiracies, hadiths because in my opinion, in this century, this era, facts are twistable. Quotes are manipulable. Conspiracies everywhere. And here we are, the youth, trying to figure out our way to get out from all of this mess we are in now.
Those so-called factual articles could be conspiracies. Or a way to bring people down. Those fake hadiths one, those were the most ridiculous ones. I mean, how could people do something like that? It doesn't matter really what religion you are practicing. But how could some people do something as disgusting as fabricating facts to suit your own, idk, preference?
Well, that's for the writers. Those sick people whose hobby is to twist little bit of story to make this fake articles and stuff and asks other people to spread the shit like Nutella. (Hello, Struck by Lightning reference hereee).
For us, the readers, the evaluators, we need to examine and to make sure whatever we share, we share em responsibly. I mean, what's the purpose you share it to your acquaintances? Because you think it's the truth? But is it the truth or is it just something you want to believe that it's true but you have not idea if that's THE truth or not? If it's a lie, especially those religion-related ones, would you want to bear the burden of those who believed the articles you shared since you're too eager to share a doubtful article just because it is what you WANT to believe? Or because you're too lazy to search the authenticity of the article that you're about to share?
See how massive the responsibility behind that simple "Share" button?
I don't know man. Those two stuff had been bugging me for quite some time now and I think I want to let it out and at the same time, warn the others about how serious these two things are, regardless how simple they seem. Which brings all of us to this post.
So people, be responsible. Be considerate. How we're gonna change our own country with this attitude, eh? We need to change what we need to change. But stay awesome, tho :)
#1: There's this phrase that I've learnt during my five-year-stay in Kedah that I actually love so much: "sembang kencang". I mean, the moment somebody sarcastically throw this phrase to your face, the impact will be like as if somebody slapped you hard while you were happily cheating in a game. I mean, it's like a straight-forward brutal honesty there.
Together with my family, we went to this part of Germany that doesn't have any speed limit. Even the GPS thing, Tom-tom didn't show any speed limit on its screen. Like seriously, people. You can drive 250km/h or even 350km/h, if that's even possible, and not get any summons. That's how awesome that route is.
Yet, I don't see any selfish (European mostly, I guess) drivers hogging the overtaking lane (<-- I have some direct translation over here). But it's true, tho. Nobody, I repeat, NOBODY was driving on the fast lane except for those who were, well, overtaking other cars. But I didn't see any drivers who drove leisurely, or worse, slow-as-a-muthaff, with no obvious intention to overtake other cars which were on the slower lane.
That's what exactly I found when I was on my way back to my home from Sepang this evening; people hogging the fast lane while driving as slow as fish. Tbh, it's the complete opposite of what I've seen in Deutschland. I mean c'mon people. I got totally nervous when I have to overtake people and at the same time, there's a faster car approaching from behind. I have this need to like "shit, i need to overtake this guy and get back in the slower lane because this car behind me is faster than me". Ya feel me?
Don't you feel anything when there's this big, bad, obviously a more powerful car is inches away from your ass because you're driving like a freaking tortoise? And here we are, talking about making big changes for our country, being a better generation, creating an intelligent and considerate society but still there's selfish ass who thinks that it's okay to hog the fast lane and create a massive line behind him/her and probably, if we were to ask him/her, "why do you drive in the fast lane if you know that you're slow?", we'll be getting "you stfu this speed is the fastest my car can go so you back off and don't tell me where to drive."
Pfft. Sembang kencang.
#2: I came across this few people who apparently shares articles with doubtful sources irresponsibly lately. So here's the thing. I rarely, like seriously RARELY share articles. It doesn't matter; factious, about religion, conspiracies, hadiths because in my opinion, in this century, this era, facts are twistable. Quotes are manipulable. Conspiracies everywhere. And here we are, the youth, trying to figure out our way to get out from all of this mess we are in now.
Those so-called factual articles could be conspiracies. Or a way to bring people down. Those fake hadiths one, those were the most ridiculous ones. I mean, how could people do something like that? It doesn't matter really what religion you are practicing. But how could some people do something as disgusting as fabricating facts to suit your own, idk, preference?
Well, that's for the writers. Those sick people whose hobby is to twist little bit of story to make this fake articles and stuff and asks other people to spread the shit like Nutella. (Hello, Struck by Lightning reference hereee).
For us, the readers, the evaluators, we need to examine and to make sure whatever we share, we share em responsibly. I mean, what's the purpose you share it to your acquaintances? Because you think it's the truth? But is it the truth or is it just something you want to believe that it's true but you have not idea if that's THE truth or not? If it's a lie, especially those religion-related ones, would you want to bear the burden of those who believed the articles you shared since you're too eager to share a doubtful article just because it is what you WANT to believe? Or because you're too lazy to search the authenticity of the article that you're about to share?
See how massive the responsibility behind that simple "Share" button?
I don't know man. Those two stuff had been bugging me for quite some time now and I think I want to let it out and at the same time, warn the others about how serious these two things are, regardless how simple they seem. Which brings all of us to this post.
So people, be responsible. Be considerate. How we're gonna change our own country with this attitude, eh? We need to change what we need to change. But stay awesome, tho :)
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Of newborn, beautiful bonds.
There was this moment when all twenty-seven of us sat around the rim of a small sized hot spring pool. Just us, no outsiders. Talking about stuff, just talking. Joking around. And being me, I told Farah, "if only I have my camera with me. What I'm seeing now (the 'us' scene) is beautiful."
She replied, "I know. It's okay, tho. We just capture this picture in our memory."
That's one of the most #deep statement I've heard during the trip. And being a member of that particular organization, there was so many #deep statement I've heard during those two days.
Then I realized, even if I was without my usual circle of friends and sometimes felt alone, I felt genuinely happy. Accomplished even. And for the first time, pictures can't even describe the experience I've gained, the happiness I felt. Not a single picture could capture the essence of that trip.
And I'm not even upset about it.
Felda Sungai Klah, you've got yourself a special place in my heart.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
The inevitable.
I used to be an F1 fanatic. I mean, I'm crazy about McLarens, Mika Hakkinen, Kimi Raikkonen. I don't know, but I have a thing for those two Finnish drivers. I was also there during the era of Juan Pablo Montoya, Heidfield, Barrichello, Coulthard etcetra. It was awesome. But during highschool, I found nobody with the same interest and moreover, they don't let us watch the TV during the prep hours and since then, I've stopped being a religious fan and started being "just a fan".
That doesn't stop me from hating Vettel and Hamilton tho. The same kind of hatred I have for Andy Murray, Jorge Lorenzo, y'know?
When I was at home briefly to send off my little brother to the land of the All Blacks, that night, I watched this documentary about a celebrated driver who if he wouldn't have died and was given another chance with a better team and car, Michael Schumacer would not be a legend.
Ayrton Senna. From the documentary "Senna", he's a very incredible person. He stood by his action, his words. He was a very determined person, cares about safety and cares about his fellow drivers. It's the kind of person who'll make friends and at the same time, make some enemies too. After watching this, I realized two stuff.
One: Politics, politics everywhere. That bullshit of "no judging" thing, I'd like to assume that it doesn't exist. At all. People of higher ranks, judge you, side not with the person who's right, but with those who either 1) has the same origin or 2) is important and will get money or some sort of importance and profit (the bigger the sum of it, the better) out of it.
And two: I have this strange fascination about wanting to know what came across the minds of those who didn't expect to die during that moment. If you were to watch Senna's simple but fatal accident, you wouldn't expect it to be fatal. Loads of accidents before that were more horrific, but the drivers survive. I wonder, what was going through his mind the moment his car lost control. I've read this article from an archive of some website about his last 96 hours and whoa, I grew more and more fascinated. Perhaps it's a sick interest but in a way, it made me realize that death will forever be unexpected.
I mean, it could be while we're doing something that we love, or something we hate. While doing nothing, or while having everything tugging you in every direction possible. Horrificly or peacefully. Endless possibilities, definitely.
Are we ready for that moment?
That doesn't stop me from hating Vettel and Hamilton tho. The same kind of hatred I have for Andy Murray, Jorge Lorenzo, y'know?
When I was at home briefly to send off my little brother to the land of the All Blacks, that night, I watched this documentary about a celebrated driver who if he wouldn't have died and was given another chance with a better team and car, Michael Schumacer would not be a legend.
Ayrton Senna. From the documentary "Senna", he's a very incredible person. He stood by his action, his words. He was a very determined person, cares about safety and cares about his fellow drivers. It's the kind of person who'll make friends and at the same time, make some enemies too. After watching this, I realized two stuff.
One: Politics, politics everywhere. That bullshit of "no judging" thing, I'd like to assume that it doesn't exist. At all. People of higher ranks, judge you, side not with the person who's right, but with those who either 1) has the same origin or 2) is important and will get money or some sort of importance and profit (the bigger the sum of it, the better) out of it.
And two: I have this strange fascination about wanting to know what came across the minds of those who didn't expect to die during that moment. If you were to watch Senna's simple but fatal accident, you wouldn't expect it to be fatal. Loads of accidents before that were more horrific, but the drivers survive. I wonder, what was going through his mind the moment his car lost control. I've read this article from an archive of some website about his last 96 hours and whoa, I grew more and more fascinated. Perhaps it's a sick interest but in a way, it made me realize that death will forever be unexpected.
I mean, it could be while we're doing something that we love, or something we hate. While doing nothing, or while having everything tugging you in every direction possible. Horrificly or peacefully. Endless possibilities, definitely.
Are we ready for that moment?